Changes, they are a' comin

The winds of change have blown through our lives. Once again.

My sister found a care facility that will take Mom. We had initially not considered this nursing home because of cost, but after being turned down by a home last week, I think we were more willing to consider other options. Our concern has always been Mom would outlive her money and this facility does not take Medicaid. It's a harsh reality people don't consider until faced with it: Care facilities are expensive and when the money is gone, there has to be a way to continue to pay.

Enter the U.S. government or wealthy relatives. None of us are wealthy.

I have no doubt if Mom were in her right mind and if Dad were still alive this would absolutely devastate both of them. It was very important to them they have money to live comfortably and have something left over for us when they were gone. The reality is, none of my sisters and I expected or anticipated money being left to us. It's not being noble. It's not being unselfish. It's just a reality we've joked about since we've all reached adulthood.

So tomorrow Mom will have to endure another mental evaluation. This evaluation will be used to determine how much care she needs rather than being used as a tool for admittance.

Once again I'm dealing with self-doubt. This time I am being more realistic. I can't do this much longer. I can't divide my time between the growing need for constant care for Mom, my need for an occasional escape and trying to be a mother to our granddaughter. I may not be fully aware of what lies ahead were I to continue to care for Mom. I do know what lies ahead in parenting a teen. I am as prepared as any second-time-around parent can be.

And Mom is becoming more difficult. This afternoon she wanted to go for a ride. I was reading a magazine and our granddaughter was watching television. Mom can't really read any longer and she found the blue people on the screen (Avatar was on) simply too confusing. So she kept asking "When can we do something different?" I finally stopped ignoring her and said, "Let's go for a ride."

Mom came over and gave me a big hug and told me she loved me. Even in her demented state she can pour on the guilt. We got in the car and headed north toward Saugatuck, taking the back road along the lake. It's difficult to tell what sets off her but once she gets agitated there is no calming her down. She suddenly wanted to know where we were going; how long we would be gone; were her clothes still at home; would we go home to make sure her clothes were still there; and did she have a jacket when she got into the car?

At some point I realized she didn't recognize where she was and was panicked. Despite the fact this was a road we travel many, many times she didn't recognize any of the landmarks. This is happening with more and more frequency. It's time. It's only going to get worse.

I will go into this evaluation with an open mind. I can't be all things to all people. We all simply do the best we can with the hand we've been dealt and carry on from there.