Learning to live with a new normal

Mom came back from Florida yesterday. Notice I said back and not home.

I am fairly certain she no longer regards this as home. I am no longer certain where home is for her.

My younger sister and I picked her up from the airport. My older sister flew with her from Florida, turned around and went back on the next flight out. I am certain she giggled manically all the way back. I know I would have.

My younger sister and I took Mom out to eat before parting ways. Mom can no longer put a cohesive sentence together but it was fairly evident something was bothering her. Several times during the meal she started to cry. The first few times we did our best to try to understand what it was, but eventually changed the subject, trying to get her to focus on something else.

For a few brief moments on the way home, Mom was almost lucid. She asked me about the farm. She asked what vegetables were ready. She asked about the grass King spends three days cutting every week. But then she slipped back into whatever world it is she lives in and lost touch with reality.

The closer we got to home the more frantic she became. I got off the highway thinking perhaps if we drove along the lake shore she might start recognizing things and calm down a little. It didn't help.

"This isn't the right way. We aren't going the right way."

"Yes it is Mom, I thought you might like to look at the lake."

But she became more and more agitated.

She kept saying, "We were all there in Grand Rapids. What did I do wrong? Why did everyone leave?"

I tried to explain to her that everyone went home. But names have no meaning for her. Telling her Kay went home to her husband in Florida meant nothing. She didn't know who Kay was. She didn't know what Florida was and she certainly didn't know what a husband was.

Then the frantic tears started. I pulled over twice to try to reason with her. Finally I gave up and ignored her. It is so very, very difficult to know whether the tears are real or a ploy for attention. I don't think she's cognoscente enough to use the ploy, but patience was wearing thin.

Then she started pleading, "Please God, help me."

I lost it. I should have continued to ignore her. Instead I took the low road. "Mom, I sincerely doubt God is going to turn this car around and take you to some imaginary safe haven. We are going back to the farm."

Then she started, "Please God, just take me."

Hmmmm. Yes, the thought was there. I am that horrible.

While she was gone we had moved all her bedroom furniture -- a beautiful set she and Dad received as a gift when they got married -- from my younger sister's home where Mom had lived prior to moving in with us to her room at our house. I had hoped things would calm down when she got into the house and saw all her furniture. She barely acknowledged it.

I let her wander for a while and then suggested we unpack.

"I have to wait to make sure it's okay."

I assured her it was okay. If she didn't unpack she would have no place to sleep as her suitcase was taking up the entire bed.

"But I have to go to Grand Rapids to help that woman with her two girls."

Well, now I was lost. Mom was quite adamant about it. The girls were 10 and 11 years old and Mom was supposed to help take care of them.

Mom and Dad had a home in Grand Rapids before they moved to Hamilton. My sisters were probably seven and nine when they moved. Was she talking about going back to Grand Rapids to take care of her own children?  No one is certain who this woman and the children are, but Mom was quite convinced she needed to be there to take care of them.

I finally convinced her to unpack and left her to her own devices as to where things were to go, surreptitiously going into her room to figure out where things were so I could help her find them later. My granddaughter and I took her for a ride to the pier and then out to eat. She still kept asking me if the woman said it was going to be okay if she stayed with me.

"Of course it is Mom. She was delighted you had a place near the beach."

"She's not mad?"

"No she thinks you need a good, long vacation."

And so the new normal begins.